Smoking is an unhealthy, dirty habit that causes terrible illnesses, including lung cancer, heart disease and emphysema. Smoking is expensive, and many smokers would be far better off saving the money they spend on tobacco, or using it for other good purposes. Smoking is socially frowned upon. Smoking is a sign of immaturity and weakness.

Every smoker knows these arguments, and every smoker falls into the trap of using them as reasons to quit smoking.

But they are the wrong reasons, and if you use any of them to try to motivate yourself to quit, you will probably fail.

Here is the only way to quit smoking (or lose weight, or make any other behavioural change that you have been struggling with): you must want it.

The key to changing behaviour of any kind is wanting to change. This is not the same as "will power," though will power might be involved in following through with a resolution to make a change. Nor does it have anything to do with what you "should" or should not do.

And wanting most definitely should not be confused with wishing. Who doesn't wish, from time to time, to be rich? It's an idle fancy, a dream, something we indulge in to make life a little brighter.

But wanting to be rich is different. If you really want it, and have talent and drive, you can probably make it happen. If you want something, and if wanting that something is realistic for you, go for it.  

Back to smoking. Many people struggle with the insidious habit for years. Many feel guilty because they know they "should" quit, but can't. Their doctors tell them they should quit, or they will suffer horrible health problems (see above) and shorten their life spans. Partners or spouses repeat the message: "If you don't quit smoking, you'll end up in a hospital bed with oxygen tubes in your nose, waiting for a lung transplant, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself. And don't think I'll be there, feeling sorry for you! No sir. You'll be on your own." Or they remind you every time you light up that you might as well be burning ten-dollar bills, with the cost of cigarettes, and "just think what we could do with all that money if you didn't blow it out your nose!" 

Even strangers reinforce the message that you're weak and pitiful, with their condescending looks as you stand in a frigid doorway outside the office where you work, smoking in the driving snow or sleet. "Why don't you quit, loser?" they say with their eyes as they hurry by.

And the maddening thing is you know they're right. You should quit, goddam it! You should quit because it does cost a lot and you really haven't been feeling that great lately, and the cough is getting worse, and it sucks to have to skulk outside every time you want a smoke. But you can't.

And your frustration leads to even greater dependence on the nicotine until the cigarette becomes your only true friend, the one you can—and do—turn to at any time of the day or night. What other friend, after all, can you depend on at four o'clock in the morning when you just need someone to be there for you and make you feel better about yourself?

Of course, if you find, at four o'clock on a February morning, that you don't have any cigarettes because you smoked the last one before you went to bed, DON'T PANIC! Just get dressed (if you happen to be undressed), and go get some. You know where to go. You've done this before. (If you live with someone on an intimate basis, you might have to come up with a little lie at this point to justify going out in the middle of the night, something about hemorrhoids or killer heartburn should work.)

No, quitting because you "should" quit isn't going to work. Never has.

Neither will gum, or patches. Relying on gum or patches or whatever else they try to sell you is just as false and as doomed to failure as trying to quit because you "should" quit. Relying on gum or patches is an admission that you can't do it on your own, because really, deep down, you don't want to quit. Maybe the damn gum or patch will accomplish what you couldn't do on your own.

But if you do want to quit . . .

"Wanting" is the key, and the hardest part, psychologically. We can tell ourselves that we "want" to lose weight or find a partner or get out of a bad relationship, but do we mean it? The answer is this: if you really want it, you'll do it. If you don't want it, you won't. So if, after twenty years of therapy and self-exploration, you are still one hundred pounds overweight and still saying, "If only I could find a boyfriend, but who would want a fat old thing like me?" then no, you don't want to lose weight, and you don't want a boyfriend. It's between you and your therapist to discover what you do want and why you hate yourself, but it's definitely not what you've been saying.

But if you take a hard, honest look at your behaviour as a smoker—the standing out in the snow or on the wind-swept balcony, the late-night trips to the convenience store, the lies, the anxiety on long airplane trips, and maybe even worse (people have killed for cigarettes in some circles, like prisons)—you'll be struck by one thing: it's all crazy! And this realization could be your first step toward finally wanting to quit. Because once you admit—and this can be tough to do—that as a smoker you do things that "normal" people don't do, and that you do these things because you are not free not to do them, you are a little closer to realizing that your nicotine dependency has made you a slave.

Do you want to be a slave?

Do you want to live in a state of dependency on something that gives you no benefits and causes you to act in ways that bring you ridicule and maybe even shame?

Can you honestly justify continuing in a relationship that brings only negative reinforcement and requires that you remain weak and dependent, possibly even loathing yourself, while at the same time causing physical damage to your person?

Is that coughing, gray-skinned person in the mirror really you?

If you can look at the situation this way, dispassionately and critically, setting aside all moralizing and externally imposed judgement, you might find that you really do want to quit. Not because everyone tells you you should, but because you now see that you never really wanted to live that way in the first place. You are better than that. You don't need this nonsense. Why did you ever allow yourself to get into this stupid trap? 

Being addicted to nicotine (and we do not underestimate the power of addiction) is like being in an abusive relationship. You make excuses. You rationalize. You defer. You procrastinate. And much of what you do is based on fear because change is always frightening. But once you make the decision to get out because the pain just isn't worth it any more, you feel free, and the freedom is so exhilarating that it carries you through any difficulties you might experience because of withdrawal or grief.

So if you are struggling with a nicotine dependency (or a weight problem, or other self-esteem related issues), don't let anyone tell you what you should do about it.

Just picture yourself as finally free, and want that freedom.

Freedom is its own reward. You don't need to be told that you "should" be free or that being free will make you a better person.

And here's a little tip that helped me when I quit smoking twenty-seven years ago: whenever you feel the urge to smoke in those first hours and days after quitting, repeat these words: "I choose not to smoke."

Really. Say the words, and mean them, as often as necessary until the urge passes. And it will pass. You'll be amazed at the power this simple assertion of your choice will give you.

Good luck.

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